How to build Self Confidence

I once had an interesting conversation with Jorgen Kuarak on a plane ride from Stockholm to Gallivare , up north in Sweden . He has incharge of admissions at a prestigious college and I asked him what he looked for in a student – what made him select a candidate for the limited seats ? He opened up and talked about how parents would always come to him and they’d say:”Okay, my son or my daughter wants to come study at your university, what is it that we have to do? You know, what are you looking for?”

So he, Jorgen, would ask the parents instead , and say, well, what does your son or daughter do? What do they do really well that we’d be interested in? And typically their answers are, well, they’ve got great vision. They’re really good. They aced their exams. Or, my daughter is the top ranker , there’s nobody that can outscore her. Or, my son’s got a great thinker ,really great in the academics and also sports.

Jorgen went on to narrate what he would say to the parents like: “Yeah, not bad; but to be quite honest with you, those are the last things I’m looking for. The most important thing? Self-confidence.”

That conversation led to many deliberations on my part to really understand the subject matter and the term self-confidence .Without that skill, and I use the word skill intentionally, without that skill, we are useless as a student. Because when you lose sight or belief in yourself, we’re done for. I use the definition of self-confidence to be the ability or the belief to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty, no matter the adversity. The belief that you can accomplish anything – that’s self-confidence.

Some of you must be wondering , “Great, I don’t have it. I’m so shy. I’ll never do that,” and so on” And you start to drag all the way down here.

But, I use the word skill because I believe it can be trained. And I’ll show you a couple of ways in which we do. The easiest way to build self-confidence: there’s no magic button. I can’t say: “Hey, this plane is going down, who can fly? Put your hand up.” “I can, I’m confident!”

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Right?

There’s no magic button. The problem is, we expect to be self-confident but we can’t be unless the skill, or the task we’re doing, is not novel, is not new to us. We want to be in a situation where we have so much pressure in that and what I mean, cause pressure builds diamonds, we want to be in a situation where “hey, I’ve done this a thousand times”.

I once had to give a speech to 800 people in an auditorium . I did my preparation , and I practiced in front of a mirror: Hey I’m sounding good. And then I went in front of my kids, and my wife. I said, oh gosh, I got a little nervous. Then I went to my office and did it with my team .Oh my goodness, I am a little more nervous! By the time I get to the auditorium , where 800 people are there , I won’t have a single ounce of nervousness because of my ability to practice. Right? Over, and over, and over, again.

The problem with repetition is: how many of us bail after the first bit of failure? How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity? The story of Edison ,and it depends who you ask, there’s anywhere from 1,000to 10,000 tries to build that light bulb.1,000 to 10,000. J.K Rowling story. Do you know how many publishers she took her Harry Potter book to? I believe the number was 12 … After two or three rejections I’d be like: “what the !”. After six or seven, I’m sure most of us would have thought : “maybe not!” Definitely after nine or ten most would be looking to do something else besides being an author. Right? I mean, twelve times somebody said no. But, practice, practice, practice, and do not accept failure.

Maybe it shouldn’t be repetition, maybe the answer should be persistence. Because we all repeat something but very few of us really will persist. So that’s one way to build self-confidence.Get out there. Do what you want to do and do not accept no. The other one is self-talk. We all have a self-talk tape that plays in our head. Anybody go shopping and put on a pair of pants this week? If you’re a woman, the first thing that always comes:” I look fat in these pants!.” And if you’re a man, it’s the opposite: “Oh god, I got no muscle, I’m so flabby!”

Right? We all have this tape that plays in our head. As a student, if they asked me the question, it was like: “Oh, please professor don’t pick me, I don’t know the answer.” I’d look down. Right?

There’s enough people that are telling us we can’t do it. That we’re not good enough. Why do we want to tell ourselves that? We know for a fact that thoughts influence actions. We know that our thoughts influence actions, why do we want to say that negative self-talk to ourselves?

Three ways to build self-confidence?

1) We need to get our own self-affirmations. Muhammad Ali, what was his self-affirmation? I am the greatest! Who else is going to tell you? There need to be quiet moments in your bedroom, quiet moments when you’re brushing your teeth. So take a moment and think of a sentence that you could use as your affirmation – that you need to reaffirm: “Uthremunna !” That is my affirmation. This loosely translates to “Mind – Get up !” I know it is not a typical self affirmation , but this is what my mother used to say to buck me up and stuck with me this lifetime . If I don’t say it, if I don’t believe it, no one else will.

Remember, there’s a difference between hubris, and ego, and false pride. It’s just reminding yourself in quiet silent moments. I put it down on a list, it’s right beside my mirror, right? about all the things that make me who I am. Because I make enough mistakes, The people around me will recognize it; and they’ll tear me down, and pretty soon I’ll begin to believe them.

2) The second method to build self-confidence . We focus on only the positive .If we manage to praise ourselves when we do good , it reinforces the positive behaviour .We forget it. It sounds so simple. Catch yourself when you are good.

3) Last and certainly not least. Self-confident people interpret feedback the way they choose to. You need to use this feedback to fix mistakes .The more you improve , the better your confidence. So there you have it, three simple ways to build self confidence. Just remember that no one will believe in you unless you do. So here’s to the normal ones , crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes. We’re all unique and supposed to be different, folks.And when people look at us, believe in yourself.

Have Self Confidence !

Psst : The writer Gaurav Vasishta is a teacher at Leapwaters, which is an online learning platform that teaches future skills. All Skill Camps are taught in live online classes. They teach “Confidence & Smart” Skills too.
Check out at www.leapwaters.com